Depression Doesn’t Make Sense

It’s been a while…

The last few months have been rough.  I’ll spare you the details, but give you a glimpse.

My triggers are stress and a feeling of overwhelming busyness.  No down time in my life starts those feelings of being out of control.  I know it.  I feel it coming…breathing down my neck.  Yet I’m helpless to stop any of the plates I’m spinning in the air.  If one should fall, I know all will fall, and failure is not an option.  So, I keep going, until…I can’t.

Depression…

 

The contradictions of depression are endless.  It doesn’t make sense.  Unless you’ve lived it, it’s so hard to understand.  I’ve lived it…and I’m living it again.

 

It lives quietly inside of you.  Waiting.  It appears and then it leaves.  It comes for a day and leaves for a week, or it comes for months and then leaves for years.  Just when you think you are free from its grasp, it sneaks up again.

 

You can see it coming.  The signs are there.  The situations are ripe for it to appear.  The feelings begin to stir, but you are helpless to stop it.  Life happens.

 

“Take the medicine,” they say.  “It will help you feel better.”  What they fail to tell you, is a side effect is no feelings at all.  The extreme emotions are gone, yes, but the lack of feeling is almost worse.  Numbness to everything.  It’s selfish really.  There’s no ability to have empathy, to share joy or sadness, or to have righteous anger.  Or what about all the other side effects?  Nightmares, suicidal thoughts, weight gain, weight loss, the inability to sleep…the list goes on.   I’ve had them all at one time or another, with one pill or another.  It’s a game of Russian Roulette to find the one with the least amount of side effects for you.

 

It’s the constant feeling of emotions bubbling right below the surface.  Never knowing when the next little thing, that wouldn’t phase a “normal” person, will be the one thing to push you over the edge.  Yet, on the outside, you look like you have it all together…until you don’t.

 

It’s filling your day with a thousand things.  Getting it done.  Proving your worth and trying to get ahead, only to have others pile more responsibility on you, because they know you will get it done.  While deep inside you are crying for someone to just take care of themselves, without your help, without being told, without being nagged, because you… Just. Can’t. Do. One. More. Thing.

 

It’s curling up in your bed, not wanting to face the world.  Hoping that things will take care of themselves, but knowing it will be worse when you finally have to get up and face them.

 

It’s being asked, “What’s wrong?”  To which you reply, “Nothing,” or “Everything.”  Because you just don’t know.  You can’t put it into words, and when you can finally articulate what is going on in your head, people just don’t know what to do with it or you.  Because, really, they didn’t want to know, they just wanted to seem like they cared.

 

It’s finally becoming vulnerable enough to open up to someone, just to have them hurt you more.  They don’t mean to.  They just don’t know what to say or do.  They start shelling out advice and platitudes, throwing out Bible verses and turn to Jesus speeches.  Not that those are bad things.  They mean well, it just doesn’t help.  What you really want is someone to wash the dishes, burn the trash or cook dinner.  Take care of the everyday things that seem to continually pile up and never end!  Just remove one thing from your to-do list.  Or… just listen.

 

It’s knowing with all your heart that Jesus is what you need, but not having the energy or desire to read the Word.  It’s needing to pour your heart out to Jesus, but feeling too inadequate to approach the throne.  And knowing that those prayers, are going to evoke even more thoughts and feelings that you just don’t feel equipped to deal with.

 

It’s giving those closest to you your worst, but needing them to give you their best.

 

It’s feeling completely overwhelmed in a crowd of people, but overwhelmingly lonely when you finally get time alone.

 

It’s wanting those you love to embrace you, but all you can do is push them away.

 

It’s the need to control everything, with the realization that everything is out of control.

 

It’s wanting to run away from it all, but fearing that no one would even miss you if you did.

 

It’s your heart fluttering and an elephant sitting on your chest, but all the tests say you are fine.

 

It’s something you have.  It’s not who you are.  But in the midst, it’s all consuming and defines everything you do.

 

It doesn’t make sense.

 

It’s nothing and it’s everything…

 

It’s depression.

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Comments

  1. thank you for sharing, Lorissa……….GLYASDI

  2. Heather says:

    Your words are truth for so many. Thank you for being so honest and open. Praying for you, sister!

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